Badfic
by Mirlyn
Summary: Reading this very well might endanger your health. Seriously. Crack pairings and parody ahoy!
1. when it starts off this bad

Over the summer Hermione had decided to change. So she had. She had asked advice of her muggle friends and spent the entire summer getting pampered and beautified, now--

**Wait, wait, wait. There is no way I spent the entire summer doing, whatever you just said. I was studying, reading my books for next year, completing extra-credit assign--**

Look Missy, I'm the author so I decide what you did all summer, got it?

**No, I don't "got it," it makes no sense for me to--**

_Shut up. Just let her get on with this so I can go and take a beauty nap._

**Don't you tell me to shut up, you--**

Stop it. Both of you. Now. I'm going to continue. And you're going to be quite, alright?

**-mumble-**

_-mumble-_

I can't hear you!

**Yes, we'll be quiet.**

_What she said._

Now, after spending the entire summer working for her new image, Hermione was quite happy with the results. Her hair, once a bushy mass, was now sleek and shinny. She-

**Laughter**

What now?

**The thought of my hair ever being manageable is laughable. Let alone, 'sleek and shinny.'**

Shut up! This is my story and I can write what I want!

**Okay! Okay! Sorry!**

She was wearing a cute jean skirt and t-shirt that said "Magic" across it in glittering pink letters--

_Laughter_

**Laughter**

Stop Laughing!!

Chrikets chirp

The skirt and shirt clung to her slender yet curvy body like a--

_Slender yet curvy? Dear god woman, what are you on?_

**For once I'll have to agree with you, Malfoy. The definition of slender is: Having little width in proportion to height or length; long and thin: a slender rod. Thin and delicate in build; gracefully slim. Whereas the definition of curvy is: having curves; (of a woman's body) having a large bosom and pleasing curves; bosomy, busty, buxom, curvaceous, full-bosomed, sonsie, sonsy, voluptuous. There fore--**

_Snicker_

**What are you snickering about Malfoy?**

_You just said "bosom."_

**I hope some boys mature quicker than you.**

_Shut up!_

**Anyways, as I was saying, before I was so rudely and unnecessarily interrupted. One cannot be slender and curvy at the same time. They cancel each other out. **

But!

**Now what were you trying to say?**

**Well?**

I wanted to say that you were thin but had a big rack, alright!?

_Then why didn't you just say that? Salazar, save me from morons._

Well it doesn't sound half as nice does it?

**No, but it doesn't contradict itself either. **

Fine. Grumble The skirt and shirt clung to her slender yet curvy body like a glove. Her body had grown over the summer. She was now very thin but...Do I have to say it?

_Just hurry up! Merlin._

Fine. She was now very thin but had a huge rack. Happy?

**No, not really, but I'll be happy as soon as this is over, so hurry up.**

Walking towards the train, numerous heads turned to watch the lovely witch's progress. Draco Malfoy's was one such head. He--

_What? You've taken my head off my body and it's turning by itself? Sick, I tell you, sick!_

**Malfoy, I think she means--**

Oh would you calm down, all I meant to say is that you were watching her.

_Well, why didn't you just say, "Draco Malfoy was watching her"?_

Because it doesn't flow as well.

_Doesn't make it sound like my heads not attached either, does it?_

Fine. Draco Malfoy was watching her. He was spellbound--

**Oh you just had to bring in the bad puns!**

SHUT UP! clearing throat He was spellbound by her beauty. He was seeing her through new eyes--

_WHAT? What did you do to my eyes woman! I like my eyes! Oh no, don't tell me you're one of those, 'let's make Draco all angsty and self-harming' authors, aren't you?!_

**Malfoy, breathe. Deep breath, come on, it's okay. You could try and be a little more considerate you know! Look what you've done to the poor boy.**

_I want my mummy._

**Shhh, it'll be okay Malfoy.**

I just meant that it was the first time you'd thought of her like that! It's a figure of speech.

**Screw your bloody figures of speech! Can't you see they're mentally scarring the poor boy!**

Wow, Granger, never thought you had that in you.

**What are you doing here?**

Shrug

**Wait...had what in me?**

You swore.

**No I didn't...oh bugger.**

I could kiss you right now.

What, no you can't she's--

**Kiss**

_Mummy...sniffle_

NO! Damn you! You were supposed to end up with Draco!

Uh, I don't swing that way...I know what everyone thinks, but you'll have to take my word for it. I'm straight. And even if I weren't, I'd never even consider Draco!

Not you, Her!

**But...Oh Merlin! This was going to be one of those scary sex-change fics wasn't it? Oh Merlin! Hyperventilate**

Shhh, It's okay, I won't let her do that to you.

No! No! No! You weren't going to be a boy Hermione, Draco was going to be straight.

Crickets chirp

**Laughter**

Laughter

_Laughter_

Crickets laughter

_Salazar, I knew you were sick, but I didn't know you were that sick._

Well, if you don't end up with Hermione who do you end up with Hmm?

_Potter, Male Weasley, Snape shrug really, anyone with a d--_

**Malfoy!**

Malfoy!

_What? It's true._

**There are children present! Watch your language!**

_Watch my language? Oh please, d--_

**Malfoy!**

_--is hardly a dirty word!_

Wha...Draco...guys...di...twitches...faints

**I think the author fainted.**

Pause

_Groovy. I'm going to go hunt down hot males._

**Have fun!**

Bye!

**Hey Blaise...**

Yeah...

**Come over here.**

**Snog**

The End (Thank Merlin!)


	2. it can only get worse

I hope you're better behaved then the others.

**What?**

Never mind. Clears throat He had always thought of her as Ron's little sister. But now, something was different. It--

**Wait. Did they kick her out of the family or something?**

_Stop being dense, they wouldn't dare kick me out of the family, I'd kick their arses!_

**Ginny!**

_It's true!_

Quiet! Pause I'm continuing now, so be quiet. It occurred to him that she had always been a cute little girl, but now she was a beautiful woman. Over the summer she had transformed into a shyly vivacious girl. He--

_That's not right._

What?

_Vivacious: attractively lively and animated. Shy: being reserved or having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people. Lively and reserved are opposites, thus someone can't be 'shyly vivacious'._

**Have you been talking to Hermione?**

_Yeah, she's tutoring me._

**That would explain it.**

Twitch Not. Another. One.

**What?**

Nothing, back to the fic.

_You're not going to use 'shyly vivacious' are you?_

No. I'll find something else! Er... Over the summer she had transformed into a shyly vivacious lovely girl. He felt as if he was seeing her through new eyes, and--

Ah! No! You sick sick eye removing creep! Potter! Run! She'll try to take you're eyes first! Then disconnect your head!

Not you again!

You only don't want me here because I know the truth!

**Oh calm down, Draco.**

**Hermione?!? Did you just call Malfoy Draco? Wait...are you holding that bastards hand?!**

_My parents were married. Thank you._

**Be good Blaise.**

_What? I'm always good. Wink_

**Blush**

**faint**

Potter! Are you alright! Here, let me help.

_Well. I can see I don't need to be here anymore...so I'm going to go have fun with Dean and Seames, if you know what I mean._

_**GINNY!**_

_Eh...Bye!_

_**But...but...What's going on?!**_

I give up, you're all nuts.

_**Who are you?**_

I'm the author.

_**What's going on?!**_

Presently? Blaise and Hermione are snogging, Harry and Draco are snogging, and your sister is running off to have an orgy with Dean, Seames and perhaps some others.

_**Faint**_

Yeah, that's what I think.

The End


End file.
